This Is Why I’m Still The Stakes Are High

Finally, we have arrived at the pinnacle of everyone’s favorite question to ask: “Why are you still single?”  This is the very last and most important reason…at least in my opinion.

It’s no secret.  I have every intention of changing the world.  I know without a doubt that I will fiercely bring heaven to earth, and do it loudly and (hopefully) as gently as Jesus did.  For the last ten years of my life, this has been the goal, the path that I have followed.  So what does this have to do with dating?

It turns out that it’s pretty difficult to find a guy who is not intimidated by me and who wants to bring change to this broken world as badly as I do.  If this sounds arrogant, I don’t mean for it to.  It’s just what has seemed to be true.  The life that I have chosen costs a lot.  It costs you everything, all for the sake of bringing glory to God and knowing Jesus more.  Most “really nice Christian boys” don’t want to pay the price, and therefore are heading in a different direction than me.

I’ve thought about dating really dreamy boys who aren’t quite “there” yet.  I’ve been told they will grow into it; just give them a chance.  BUT WHAT IF THEY DON’T?  There is too much at risk in the kingdom for me to slow down and wait for that really nice (and dreamy) Christian guy to grow into his calling.  Maybe he will.  I pray he does.  But the stakes are too high for me to take a chance on that guy.  I know that whoever I marry must be choosing Jesus above everything else.  The world is broken and in need of great healing.  We can settle for nothing less then bringing everything we have to the table. This includes my marital status.  If my call is to help my husband, fulfill his vision and calling, he better have a vision to radically change the world, or I won’t be able to get behind his vision.

Honestly, because of the road I’ve chosen, I never thought I would get married.  Then, one day, God pointed this verse out to me.

Then one of the young men said, “Behold, I have seen a son of Jesse the Bethlehemite who is a skillful musician, a mighty man of valor, a warrior, one prudent in speech, and a handsome man; and the Lord is with him.” – 1st Samuel 16:18

The Lord spoke to me about this being the kind of man that I would marry.  Out of nowhere.  This is a thought that would have never crossed my mind, and that’s why I know it was the Lord.  I don’t know if “the guy” will be musical, and I can only hope that he is a handsome man, but I do know that David was the kind of guy that faced a giant as a teenager.  He believed so much in the true character of God that he was willing to go anywhere and face anything.

I really appreciate that David faced giants, because any guy who chooses to pursue me is facing a giant.  I really am kind of intimidating.  So much so that it is a joke between close friends.  They know they don’t have to worry about me ending up with someone boring, because the boring ones have  been scared away within minutes of meeting me.  (Again, I don’t want this to sound arrogant.  I just mean that I’m loud, opinionated, pretty fearless, and I have a kind of an intimidating Job.  I mean come on…my anthem is “Roar” by Katy Perry.  It was even before the song existed.)  More importantly than facing me, though, my future husband must be willing to face the unknown.  Someone with David-like qualities, who is willing to trust God in any situation and follow His call anywhere because God made us to restore His kingdom. T hat’s a train I could get on.  It’s the kind of grand vision I could get behind.

So…ThisIsWhyI’  I have kingdom things to do.  Until I find someone I can do them with, I will spend all my extra time doing adventurous, scary, unknown, kingdom things with my beautiful friends and community.

Did I miss anything in this series of posts?  Have more questions about my singleness?  Comments?  Concerns?  Chime in! That’s what community is all about!

This Is Why I’m Still Are You Afraid of the Dark?

A few weeks ago, I started a blog series on the topic of my singleness.  It really is a popular discussion topic.  Some want to know if I’m still single by choice.  Some want to know if I’m still single because I have some weird religious views, or possibly a personality disorder.  I mean, who really chooses to stay single?  I must be broken.  And even some want to know when my last date was. ( 3 years ago. Really 3 Years.)

Today, I am sharing a really dysfunctional reason why I have chosen singleness: I’m still waiting on Gavin Degraw to notice my existence and propose to me.

Just kidding.  Sort of.

The truth is, I’m terrified of lots of things when it comes to marriage.  I know what you’re thinking.  You think I’m terrified of sex.  Nope.  You’re wrong.  I’m actually pretty excited about that aspect of marriage.  Yes…I am a Christian, I am single, and I did say I am looking forward to sex.  If you are a supporter reading this, please don’t stop paying my bills.  Please and thank you.

I am terrified of being vulnerable with people in general, let alone a spouse.  I am afraid I will lose my independence and have to be the helper to a man who plays life safe.  I’m scared of losing my own awesome calling.  Mostly, I’m afraid of being abandoned.  I am afraid of marriage because it is unknown.  It seems like wandering into the dark without a flashlight.  That is a terrible idea.

I can’t even believe I just admitted all of those things out loud, but they are all true.  You see, when I was a kid, I had a really passive, mostly non-present father; a disabled mother; and a very Jerry-Springer-like family.  From an early age, I learned to disconnect from most emotion, take care of myself, expect everyone to leave, and expect for no one to want me.  This, along with ambition and Jesus giving me the ability to dream big dreams, has created this perfect storm where most days I prefer singleness.  Do I get lonely?  Sometimes.  I mostly chalk it up to the fact that I’m not made for this world and only the face of Jesus will ever satisfy me.  I don’t chalk it up to singleness, because even when I am married, I will get lonely.  So overall, life as a single person seems much safer and easier than life as a married person.

If I remain single, no one can hurt me, no one can leave me, and no one can get in the way of the big things in store for my life.  EXCEPT FOR ME.  #OhDang.  Yup.  There it is.  If I continue to avoid vulnerability and deep relationship with people, I will continue to get in my own way.  I will still get hurt and people will still leave, because we are not made for superficial relationships.  Either way, I will get hurt, so I should find abundant life in the midst of that hurt.  Singleness is not the answer, but neither is marriage.  As cliche as it may sound ,Jesus IS the answer–and the healing that He brings.

Now, I know there are benefits to marriage, as there are to singleness.  Please do not use the words in this blog as an excuse to fix me and correct my dysfunction.  I am so aware of my own dysfunction.  I believe if God has called me to marriage ( and I do), then it must be good and beneficial, and it must bring abundant life.  So why did I share it if I didn’t want the super Christians of the world to fix me?  Because the scriptures say, “Confess your sins, pray for one another, and YOU WILL FIND HEALING.”   I want to find healing, so please pray for me.  I also believe that others out there struggle with the same things I do, and maybe, just maybe, my confession of brokenness, will help someone else to find healing in their own struggle.

So now let’s put the spotlight on you.

Singles: Are you just as afraid of the dark as I am?  Are you praying that Prince Charming will come, or hiding from him like Mercy Jean hides from me at nap time?

Marrieds: How did you feel about marriage before you were in one?  What has been the biggest blessing in your marriage?  How long have you been married, and how have you kept your marriage together?

When I do something silly, or ridiculous, I tweet about it and use the hashtag #ThisIsWhyImStillSingleDotCom. I would love to see your moments as well so hashtag away!

And Go…