This Is Why I’m Still Single.com: Are You Afraid of the Dark?
A few weeks ago, I started a blog series on the topic of my singleness. It really is a popular discussion topic. Some want to know if I’m still single by choice. Some want to know if I’m still single because I have some weird religious views, or possibly a personality disorder. I mean, who really chooses to stay single? I must be broken. And even some others want to know when my last date was. Sorry but that is none of your business.
Today, I am sharing a really dysfunctional reason why I have chosen singleness: I’m still waiting on Gavin Degraw to notice my existence and propose to me.
Just kidding. Sort of.
The truth is, I’m terrified of lots of things when it comes to marriage. I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m terrified of sex. Nope. You’re wrong. I’m actually pretty excited about that aspect of marriage. Yes…I am a Christian, I am single, and I did say I am looking forward to sex. If you are a financial supporter reading this, please don’t stop paying my bills. Please and thank you.
I am terrified of being vulnerable with people in general, let alone a spouse. I am afraid I will lose my independence and have to be the helper to a man who plays life safe. I’m scared of losing my own awesome calling. Mostly, I’m afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of marriage because it is unknown. It seems like wandering into the dark without a flashlight. That is a terrible idea.
I can’t even believe I just admitted all of those things out loud, but they are all true. You see, when I was a kid, I had a really passive, mostly non-present father; a disabled mother; and a very Jerry-Springer-like family. From an early age, I learned to disconnect from most emotions, take care of myself, expect everyone to leave, and expect no one to want me.
This, along with ambition and Jesus giving me the ability to dream big dreams, has created this perfect storm where most days I prefer singleness. Do I get lonely? Sometimes. I mostly chalk it up to the fact that I’m not made for this world and only the face of Jesus will ever satisfy me. I don’t chalk it up to singleness, because even when I am married, I will get lonely. So overall, life as a single person seems much safer and easier than life as a married person.
If I remain single, no one can hurt me, no one can leave me, and no one can get in the way of the big things in store for my life. EXCEPT FOR ME. #OhDang. Yup. There it is. If I continue to avoid vulnerability and deep relationships with people, I will continue to get in my own way. I will still get hurt and people will still leave because we are not made for superficial relationships. Either way, I will get hurt, so I should find abundant life in the midst of that hurt. Singleness is not the answer, but neither is marriage. As cliche as it may sound, Jesus IS the answer along with the healing that He brings.
Now, I know there are benefits to marriage, as there are to singleness. Please do not use the words in this post as an excuse to fix me and correct my dysfunction. I am so aware of my own dysfunction. I believe if God has called me to marriage (and I do), then it must be good and beneficial, and it must bring abundant life. So why did I share it if I didn’t want the super Christians of the world to fix me? Because the scriptures say, “Confess your sins, pray for one another, and YOU WILL FIND HEALING.” I want to find healing, so please pray for me. I also believe that others out there struggle with the same things I do, and maybe, just maybe, my confession of brokenness will help someone else to find healing in their own struggle.
So now let’s put the spotlight on you.
Singles: Are you just as afraid of the dark as I am? Are you praying that Prince Charming will come, or hiding from him like Mercy Jean hides from me at nap time?
Marrieds: How did you feel about marriage before you were in one? What has been the biggest blessing in your marriage? How long have you been married, and how have you kept your marriage together?
When I do something silly, or ridiculous, I tweet about it and use the hashtag #ThisIsWhyImStillSingleDotCom. For example, I talk to intimate objects like they will respond, and I name my purses. #ThisIsWhyImStillSingleDotCom.
I would love to see your moments as well so hashtag away!
So drop a comment, use the hashtag, and let’s get to healing in community.
In Reckless Pursuit,
Hey Mindy! Loved the post! Before I was married, I viewed it really as an answer to my problems when it came to self-worth, loneliness, depression, anxiety etc…. I thought that finding a wife would cure me of these things, and life would just be amazing.
So honestly, the biggest blessing of my marriage has been the complete obliteration of that mindset by the realities of what it really is. For the past almost 5 years now (wow, that flew by), God has been refining me and making my sin become more and more bitter through my marriage. That may sound extremely strange and totally unromantic, but it’s so true. I’ve learned how selfish, sinful, and utterly broken I was and am. But in that, Christ has become sweet.
The first year of our marriage was rough….absolutely, miserably rough. Like I said in my first paragraph, I was searching for a solution in a woman who was just as desperate for the Gospel as me, and who was just as broken in sin. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It taught me a lot about what true love, laying down my life (as Christ loved the Church), actually looked like. True love is about commitment, obedience, and dying to self. Learning this is what has kept our marriage together. We have good days and bad, good weeks and bad weeks, but our commitment to each other doesn’t waver.
Mindy StewartRandy Williams
Randy!!!! First bro, I miss you! Secondly, I love this! Thank you so much for your honesty! I think you have great insight!