A few weeks ago, I started a blog series on the topic of my singleness. It really is a popular discussion topic. Some want to know if I’m still single by choice. Some want to know if I’m still single because I have some weird religious views, or possibly a personality disorder. I mean, who really chooses to stay single? I must be broken. And even some want to know when my last date was. ( 3 years ago. Really 3 Years.)
Today, I am sharing a really dysfunctional reason why I have chosen singleness: I’m still waiting on Gavin Degraw to notice my existence and propose to me.
Just kidding. Sort of.
The truth is, I’m terrified of lots of things when it comes to marriage. I know what you’re thinking. You think I’m terrified of sex. Nope. You’re wrong. I’m actually pretty excited about that aspect of marriage. Yes…I am a Christian, I am single, and I did say I am looking forward to sex. If you are a supporter reading this, please don’t stop paying my bills. Please and thank you.
I am terrified of being vulnerable with people in general, let alone a spouse. I am afraid I will lose my independence and have to be the helper to a man who plays life safe. I’m scared of losing my own awesome calling. Mostly, I’m afraid of being abandoned. I am afraid of marriage because it is unknown. It seems like wandering into the dark without a flashlight. That is a terrible idea.
I can’t even believe I just admitted all of those things out loud, but they are all true. You see, when I was a kid, I had a really passive, mostly non-present father; a disabled mother; and a very Jerry-Springer-like family. From an early age, I learned to disconnect from most emotion, take care of myself, expect everyone to leave, and expect for no one to want me. This, along with ambition and Jesus giving me the ability to dream big dreams, has created this perfect storm where most days I prefer singleness. Do I get lonely? Sometimes. I mostly chalk it up to the fact that I’m not made for this world and only the face of Jesus will ever satisfy me. I don’t chalk it up to singleness, because even when I am married, I will get lonely. So overall, life as a single person seems much safer and easier than life as a married person.
If I remain single, no one can hurt me, no one can leave me, and no one can get in the way of the big things in store for my life. EXCEPT FOR ME. #OhDang. Yup. There it is. If I continue to avoid vulnerability and deep relationship with people, I will continue to get in my own way. I will still get hurt and people will still leave, because we are not made for superficial relationships. Either way, I will get hurt, so I should find abundant life in the midst of that hurt. Singleness is not the answer, but neither is marriage. As cliche as it may sound ,Jesus IS the answer–and the healing that He brings.
Now, I know there are benefits to marriage, as there are to singleness. Please do not use the words in this blog as an excuse to fix me and correct my dysfunction. I am so aware of my own dysfunction. I believe if God has called me to marriage ( and I do), then it must be good and beneficial, and it must bring abundant life. So why did I share it if I didn’t want the super Christians of the world to fix me? Because the scriptures say, “Confess your sins, pray for one another, and YOU WILL FIND HEALING.” I want to find healing, so please pray for me. I also believe that others out there struggle with the same things I do, and maybe, just maybe, my confession of brokenness, will help someone else to find healing in their own struggle.
So now let’s put the spotlight on you.
Singles: Are you just as afraid of the dark as I am? Are you praying that Prince Charming will come, or hiding from him like Mercy Jean hides from me at nap time?
Marrieds: How did you feel about marriage before you were in one? What has been the biggest blessing in your marriage? How long have you been married, and how have you kept your marriage together?
When I do something silly, or ridiculous, I tweet about it and use the hashtag #ThisIsWhyImStillSingleDotCom. I would love to see your moments as well so hashtag away!